We are entering the last two days of Kevin's radiation treatment. Last week was a tough one, he crashed harder and more frequently, and relied primarily on shakes, as all food upset his stomach. We are now at the point where dinner time is, "what would you like me to fix you for dinner ...that you won't be able to eat?" He suggested a couple of weeks ago that I not cook, as he feels horrible when he can't eat. He still can manage chicken pot pie, and depending upon the moment, there's a slight chance he can manage a few bites of shepherd's pie. Shakes, green tea and the occasional soup are just about it right now. He's developed the dreaded mouth sores, which makes it hard to talk, and his saliva has become like rope in his moth. Meh has a number of agents he uses religiously to counter these, and the help dramatically, but don't alleviate.
If this were me, I would be moaning, writhing, and loudly imploring death to COME GET THY CHILD! Kevin has taken to sitting quietly, not reading, not watching tv, or listening to music, but just being. I haven't entirely made my peace with this stillness; I no longer think he is plotting to leave me, or imagining himself dead; But I still can't entirely wrap my head around the thought that people really can find contentment in this process, but I trust that he is.
Yesterday he sat outside, all day, quietly watching me garden. While I love being in and doing in the garden, I never imagined it as a spectator sport. With each of us having larger cars in the garage it's suddenly more challenging to navigate our cars in and out of the garage because his truck is parked in the driveway. The logical next step is an area for the truck. I have a garden next to the driveway that has never come together. It's mostly lilies with odds and ends of annuals. Kevin suggested using that space, and asked if I wanted the plants transplanted elsewhere. I flicked my hand and airily said let the boys at it, I'm over it. ( the boys who will come and do the heavy lifting to create the space)
Apparently, what I meant was, ...except for any green thing that is now,or ever has been growing in the garden, because I suddenly found myself furiously digging away and managed to re-plant most of the garden and incorporate everyone into other gardens, stopping only due to lack of a minors head lamp! (I could have dug all night!)
My point is, he was perfectly content to just sit, and be in the sun,which is all he can do right now, what with one arm still in a sling and healing, and no energy to speak of. It was very companionate!
Sadly, at the end of the day, even after a long hot soak, he was rubbing tiger balm over my lower back, and we lie in our bed with his and hers matching heating pads; mine from sore muscles, his for warmth (another side effect of treatment is feeling feeling cold all the time.)
I am happy that starting Wednesday, we will be looking for the slow but gradual dissipation of symptoms, and getting back to strength and health. But as I frequently tell him, I marvel at the places this adventure has taken us. He has always (since I was 14!) ...even after our baby marriage fell apart, and I was 3000 miles away...been someone I have held in the highest esteem for the person he is, and the impact he had on my life. He, my beloved man, who does NOT do discomfort, in any way, shape or form, has shown such grace through this, and such GRATITUDE, for something, every single day; for the many friends who have stayed by his side and walked through it with him, for the nano second something tastes good, for the medical teams, for just being alive to greet each day. He's kept his humor, even on his bad days, and entertains the radiology techs by playing the song, "radioactive" on his phone.
I am grateful to be on this adventure with him. I am also looking forward to much less adventurous times in the near future! The grace and blessings continue to pour forth.
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