At home

Coming home was pure joy.  We were sad to leave our people behind, the wonderful resident teams, our lovely, loving nurses, but there's truly no place like home, and in our case, home is where the cats are!  Thanks to the incredible Kelsey Collins, cat sitter extraordinaire, all was extremely well.

After about 10 minutes, I realized that, while Kevin was home, he was definitely having adjustment issues.  An extreme introvert, he isn't forthcoming about his feelings most days ( which makes it all the more precious when he does). My point of context was..myself.  When I am ill, or post surgery, I pretty much take over the room.  Whether it's  excruciating pain or the slightest discomfort, or just ennui, I consider it a public service announcement to verbally assess my situation.  Consequently, this completely inward with the tiniest touch of grouchy makes me extremely nervous.  I sat beside him, "honey, are you thinking of leaving me?"  ( of course not!) (well, I guess practically speaking, that wasn't an option!). The next day, I asked him if he was considering suicide.  (He was NOT).  I told him he didn't seem happy.  (No, he was not).  This was very hard, to watch this amazing person go so deeply into himself.  I called my sister, who was caregiver to her husband who battled ALS for 9 years.  She was wonderful, and didn't tell me how crazy I was being.  It was a hard first week, but under my sisters guidance I learned not to jump in to help, or try to fix things until he asked.  I stopped ( for the most part) making it about me.  We aren't big Valentine's day people but always exchanged cards.  I couldn't do hallmark, that felt too inadequate, so I wrote in his journal that I had made him.  He totally surprised me with a card from him and one from the girls.(!)

Both his card and the message he wrote told me everything I needed to know, and it was like a damn burst and all of my pent up emotions gushed out.  It was a huge turning point for us, and put us back on track.  Shortly after that we had our first evening out with friends, and I saw my husband animated, and laughing.  We have much of our normal routine and closeness.  He still has times when he goes deep within,or gets frustrated with his limitations, but I no longer fear he is planning to do away with himself, or me. ( note: I didn't truly deeply think either of those things, but thought it best to check!  I am sure we will have more than a few challenges ahead, but I am confident of a happy outcome.  I thank God for FAMILY and FRIENDS who have given us such love and support!  And food...and wine!  I especially thank my friends who give me wine!