Radioactive

April 7, 2014

Kevin begins week 4 of radiation/chemotherapy treatments.  He is half-way through.  He would be the first to say, he is, and has been, incredibly blessed that his side effects have been minimal.  Having said that, he is experiencing more and more side effects; in particular, the extreme fatigue that comes on suddenly and hits hard.  He is learning not to fight it; to go upstairs and snuggle in and let his body sleep and rest.  He is experiencing the mouth sores, and extreme lip dryness.  Finally, his taste buds have been radiated away, and food is no longer desirable or much of a pleasure.  However, keeping his calorie intake to twice “normal,” and keeping weight on is key to his health.  A conundrum. 

Ironically, our older cat, Camilla, has similar issues.  Because she is diabetic, it can be hard to keep weight on her, yet it is imperative.  I spend a great deal of time in pet stores, perusing the food aisle, looking for the highest protein content within the tastiest venue.  (Let me be clear; what I perceive would be the tastiest venue for a cat… I am not doing personal taste testing!).  With each new product I find, she dives in with gusto – best food she’s ever eaten, and please may I have some more… until the bag is almost empty, and I buy a new bag… she eagerly approaches her dish with delight, comes to a screeching halt at the dish and looks up to me as if to say, “WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?  What EVER made you think I would eat THIS?” and … walks away.  I add a little canned bit of “delight” to it… which she deigns to sniff at and daintily eat, making sure not a crumb of the offending kibble touches her lips.  I spend far more time enticing my cat to eat than I ever spend on our own meals.

Enter RADIATION.  Now I am ALSO perusing the web for recipes using tasty, calorie dense, high protein food items for KEVIN.  And it’s Camilla Redux.  He approaches the new food eagerly; it’s the best, Oh, please please let’s have this again, SOON!  Until … we do.  I put his tasty treat in front of him, and his lip starts to curl and he gives me the identical look Camilla gives me.  I create wonderous snacks that only a month ago he would DREAM of having, only to have it go untouched now.  Food doesn’t taste good to him; in fact, it simply doesn’t taste.

Kevin is the strongest person I know.  He has spent his lifetime “doing the right thing,” making sure his loved ones are well cared for, and trying his level best to wrap ME up in cotton batting so nothing bad can touch me.  I know this is KILLING him to watch me struggle with this.  For me, the struggle is watching him suffer through the effects.

I am blessed, incredibly blessed, to have friends and family loving and praying us BOTH through this time.  I know my availability has seriously diminished since the onset of treatment.  I am where I need to be right now, and while I am not very accessible for celebrations, fun and frivolity, this is NOT forever.  We will come out the other side of this, strong and whole, and life will return to “normal.”  In the meantime, thank you for checking in, for being a loving support system, and for love, prayers and understanding.  There was a lovely meditation from Henri Nouwen in my email today that resonated with me.  While I am NOT “overcome by sorrow”, this served as another reminder of how important friends and loved ones are; even if we seem to be completely unavailable, you are all the ones that help me find my center, just by knowing you are there!  Many thanks to you all.